Watch out as I make my GLORIOUS RETURN TO SANITY!!!!!!

 It’s 12:35AM and I should shower and answer some HW questions, but i’m feelin finnnnnne. Ah, so many exciting things interspersed between very boring and slow and depressing and negative moments in life. Sometimes I swear I’m bipolar, one moment I’m feeling elated and affirmed, and then there are other moments where only lies seem to fill my brain and I can’t listen to any other voice. So many voices, they’re pulling me in different directions. But what’s my own voice telling me? Now ain’t that the question?

Went to a Mute Math concert this past Saturday, and let me just say that Mute Math music is healing music. Even Adam’s digital camera was healed! At least for those couple of hours when the music was so blaringly loud that I was partially deaf when I woke up the next day. But anyway, let me share some lyrics that were healing not so much due to the sound biblical doctrine or advice on how to live life, but rather their human relatableness:

“I keep stalling out,
I just can’t keep up
There’s alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But You keep coming around
To convince me
It’s still far from over”

            –Stall Out

And another:

“the different stars tonight
will somehow fade the same
and all the tears we cry
tell us we’re made the same
and when we fall aside
let’s hope we fall in place
we built our different lives
but they all break the same

oh different worlds
and different hearts
and different souls
and different parts

but we all
we all break the same”

                     –Break The Same

Those lyrics, and many of their other songs, just spoke profoundly to me. It was a rock concert, for sure, but I found myself closing my eyes and letting those words encircle me with the humility and the truth of the feeling. Man, how I’ve been feeling so useless and empty and lonely and retarded. And I look around and it seems as if I’m the only one feeling this way. But Paul Meany understands!! He understands me! And he understands something about humanity — that we’re all crying inside at some point or another but we try to hold our fragile remains together to appear ok. Realizing that, hearing him screaming it, touched something deep in my soul, ladies and gents. Indeedy, it did. BUY BOTH ALBUMS.. like YESTERDAY!!

Anyway, continuing on, got to jam downtown on this past beautiful monday afternoon. Singing downtown is kinda like karoke: you’re so scared and shy of what other people are going to think of you being so exposing with your singing, but then by the end of the night people have to rip you away from it. My experience was a little like that. But man, people really have a lot to say to you when you’re singing a nice melody. This elderly couple stopped by and talked with me for a good 15 minutes about my life and they gave me a crisp and beautiful dollar. And presumed to dine outside, which I hope it was because they wanted to hear more. The old tarot card fortune teller walked by me a couple of times, hobbling on his cane, and pitched me two dollars with a nod and a “Good job!” Next these kids that were making video recordings asked me if they could film me, and there were like 3 cameras all on me, and they were so darn cute. And I could go on and on about how rewarding it is when you decide to expose yourself to other people, and find that they want to interact with you or support you instead of diss you or tell you to shut up. I love Charlottesville.

What else. Ho, hum. Oh yes, Adam Kim is throwing in the sack in regards to his forest-man camping job. No more long distance! Elation! And fear! More seeing each other = more fights and more vulnerability and more exposure and less “Ohhhh I miss you honey”s and “I’m so glad to see you cause it’s been so long!”. Eek– joy and fear jumbled in this mad woman’s mental mind. Someone tell me about the peace of God so that I can remember to breathe! Oh yeah, and we’ve been going out for 1 and 1/2 years. WOW! Is that even possible?!

What else. Bible studies going great. 4th year girls are superb. They’re fine, and they’re intelligent, and they’re contributive, and they’re just superb. And they realize that it’s their last year so they want to make the most of every moment. Very discussion-based bible studies, and man, am I really leading? Or are we just all learning together? Sometimes I feel the latter is the best way to go about it. Hooray!

 What else. RADIOHEAD IS BACK!!! They’ve released an interesting album that’s only electronically available via download. And they only want you to pay what you think the album is worth. MENTAL!! They’re such geniuses. Freaky geniuses. I love that song, “Jigsaw Falling Into Place.” Makes me want to like, burst out of this human skin and reveal my true open, strange nature. Love it. Watch on youtube.

I know there are more exciting moments in life, but keep in mind I am censoring out all the boring/depressing stuff. Yeah, sometimes my mind just gets so wrapped up in myself that I cannot see anything good. It’s like as if I have to summon my own Patronus to chase away those bad thoughts. Hmm, what shape would mine be? I’d like to say a heron or a cat, but who knows. Maybe I could just be a jellyfish.

God, show me what you want me to do. This sounds wrong, but show me what I’m worth. Sometimes I just feel so worthless and useless, but help me to believe that you root for the weak ones that just believe. Because I’m so weak, but I so believe. Help me.

And now this post is over. But I’m feelin’ good baby, and don’t you forget that! Let that goodness rub off onto you, okay?

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