So, as usual, been thinking a lot about different things mainly revolving around me and my life and why I am the way I am. There is a famous psychologist named Erik Erickson. He was a smart guy and came up with these different emotional, psychosocial trials a person goes through in life. In adolescence, the trial is Identity vs Role Confusion, which means that the adolescent struggles and experiments with behaviors to find a true sense of self. If he achieves it, he can progress happily to the next stage. But if he does not, he remains in uncertainty about who he really is. This stage can go and be refined for the rest of life as well.

The next psychosocial stage, the one including young adults such as my peers and I, is Intimacy vs Isolation. The young adult must find intimate relationships in the form of friendships, or close family ties, or significant others in order to successfully move on to the next trial. If not, they remain in– yup, you guessed it, social isolation.

If something goes horribly wrong with the trial that one is supposed to contend in, backsliding is certainly an outcome that can occur. I wonder if I’m regressing. I feel like I’m struggling a lot with a sense of secure identity, or maybe just security in general. Like, as I was talking with a wonderful friend last night, what the heck does “being secure in Christ” ACTUALLY translate into? It sounds really nice, but I think I realize that I’m growing up without actually knowing how to do that. Or how to become that. I think that phrase is a mighty feat– something that’s developed life-long as you learn more about the character and nature of God and Jesus and the Spirit. As dear Jennifer Sohn so nicely put it, maybe it’s like a 3D gradient graph instead of black and white, cut and cold. If so, where am I plotted on that graph? ‘Cause it’s not looking so good right now.

These past two weeks, I’ve felt a curious sensation of heart block– not an actual medical diagnosis, but a condition in which the outside stimuli I experience with my brain is not making it’s way to my core. An empty shell– hollow and unfeeling.

And I think I’ve figured out this heart block of mine after much indepth conversation with the lovely Sohn and a medium sized “healthful” icecream. I think after having contended with that great Intimacy vs Isolation trial, it’s kind of ended in devastation for me. I was more hurt and affected than I even realized. My coping mechanism was to grieve its death and then completely remove it from my system, but in effect, I’ve carved out important portions of my heart. Portions that, as of now, seem nigh impossible to recover again. I mean, what do I seriously know being only 22? But in my mind, surely a damaged heart requires a lot more effort to function, and will never return to its full, pure capacity unless by some miracle by God. Amy Kim recited to me a line of Korean poetry to this effect: “I carve you into my heart, and then I carve you out.” This is quite exactly how I feel.

I also realize that I’ve kind of blocked out questions that I’ve had about Christianity and God in an effort to heal faster. In doing so, I have very effectively placed myself at a disadvantage for being able to find my security in Christ, because I have so many insensitive questions. Like, does hell really exist? And why do really nice non-Christians have to be so condemned to eternity in burning flames? And has Christianity actually been influenced by previous civilizations with barbaric human sacrifice offerings to appease their gods? Unfriendly, impersonal questions like that involving history and proof and science. These questions need probing for answers to make them shut up in my head, but at the same time my Jesus is untouched in my heart. Because I don’t think you come to love a person or realize a person loves you with scientific proof and historical evidence– your heart is touched and something inexplicable takes place deep within you. It’s hard obeying laws and rules and religion, but it’s quite another story believing and trusting a whole other person who has done so much to love you. That’s why my Jesus is in a very pure place in my heart. If I treat Jesus like a stranger, it’s easy to criticize Him and leave Him in the dust. “Jesus, it’s nothing personal. I just don’t buy all that religious stuff. Don’t take offense.” But if I let Him in my heart, there is really no greater sense of fulfillment and fullness than with Him. There might be pain now, but He’s with me.

Anyway, it’s getting late. I’ve stayed up past my bedtime to post this, because I am committed to this blog, and committed to solidifying my thoughts and sharing about my musical and life adventures.

Today, Matt, Paul, Edison, Evelyn, Mary and I had a lot of fun eat dinner and telling stories and talking very extensively about cheese. The boys wanted to measure their macho-manliness, so here’s a few clips pure testosterone.

Matt cool as an iceberg and Edison with all kinds of emotions scrunched up in his face.

The shortest game of arm wrestling goes to Matt and Paul 😉

 

Also, I’m going to be playing at another benefit concert called Melodic Impact to help Special Love, a group helping children with cancer not through research but through instilling hope and encouraging the fight to survive and live. I’ll keep you guys updated!

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