I am now a real person in the real world. I have graduated.

Wow, what a mixture of elation, fear, dread, worry, excitement, hope. Actually, today was a pretty bad day for me. To sum it up, I guess I just didn’t feel very special to my family. I know they love and care for me, but sometimes it hurts a lot more when people you really trust and love do little things carelessly that inadvertantly damage you. Sometimes, on days like these (days where I can feel the beginnings of huge, crazy mood swings signifying the anticipation of Aunt Flow comin’ to town), I think about the song “Creep” by Radiohead. There’s a line that goes along the lines of this:

“I wish I was special
You’re so very special

But I’m a creep,
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here”

Good old Radiohead. Knows how to sympathize with my feelings and yet somehow pull it off in a very stylish manner. Anyway, I felt a little bit like that today and I had my sister and my other little sister (she basically is) at my apartment. So I drove around a little bit, looking for a safe place. Found it at a closed gas station, and all I could start praying was for God to remind me that He loves me and that I don’t have to do anything or be anyone special to prove my worth so that He would continue to love me so. Stuff like that is really hard to admit to anyone, although I feel strongly that’s what Christians should be freely doing.

Anyway, so I felt much better. I stopped thinking so negatively, I stopped putting myself down, and I just felt content.

I read somewhere that somewhat important men at some point in time can just remove themselves from their feelings. I imagined myself trying to shove my feelings on the top of a dusty shelf, removing myself from them. I don’t know if that’s the healthy thing to do, but sometimes I feel like my down-and-out feelings can be so depressing that I want to laugh. I feel like “Debbie Downer.” I wish I would stop taking things so seriously– like religion and atheism, the rest of my life, stuff like that. I wish I could just live freely and openly and vulnerably and daringly. I read in the Bible in the book of Proverbs that the righteous are as bold as lions. So many times I feel so afraid of so many things, and sometimes I use that fear to propel me and do crazy things I never imagined I could do. But sometimes that fear just overcomes me, and I’m wondering if I could ever be righteous and ever be as bold as a lion. I just feel like I need somewhere solid to stand so that I can be bold.

The speaker for today’s graduation ceremony read the inscription on one of the buildings of my school. “You shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free” from the book of John. Truth.. God, why is this such a struggle? I feel like there’s a feel-it-in-your-bones kind of truth and a clearly objective truth. I’m just having trouble reconciling the two things. Does anyone know what I mean?

My mind is fried right now. Thai fried rice.. mm. Joanne, get a grip.

The nice thing about friends who are pastors or who want to be pastors is that I can ask them a lot of burning questions or vent a lot of things and this is the business they’ve decided to commit to. This feeling of being alive is most strong when I’m talking honestly about my hurts and my losses. I wish people weren’t so afraid of things not being okay with a person. I wish people were more willing to really ask how you’re feeling and pray for you and care about you. And that they would be willing to stand the truth, maybe a tear or two from you. Well, I guess that’s another nice thing about friends who are pastors. They always want to listen, and they always want to talk.

My thoughts are kind of all over the place and I’m craving some lovin. I know that, surely, only God could fill the emptiness I have.