Hello friends, stalkers, lovers, and haters alike!

Tonight I would like to think on the topic of replaying scenes/events over and over in the mind. In a disturbing sense, I am discovering that I do this more and more, constantly, and at very random times. Sometimes I’ll think of moments when I’ve embarrassed myself, or when I did not do the right or responsible thing. On the outside, it appears like I’m concentrating on whatever it is I’m doing and then out of nowhere, I’ll squeeze my hand into a fist, punch it up to my chest near my heart, and let out a loud “KKKKKKKKKUH!” while closing my eyes tight and ducking my head down low. I’ve even done it while jogging.

The older I get, the more mistakes I make, and the more I have to dwell on, so I suppose it’s natural that this happens with more frequency with age. There are some people I know who do not do this. They reflect for a few minutes, and then kind of just get over it and forgive themselves. I get filled with awe when I witness something like that, because I often don’t forgive myself. It’s like as if they have a whole different mentality at looking at themselves than I do.

When I look at my mistakes, my sins I daresay, I kind of keep them like they’re m’lucky charms, invisible of course. A shackle of weight on my already tired and out-of-shape body. I’m sitting in a cesspool of my own regrets. But the worst part of it is I let it define me. No matter how many nice or good things I’ve considered myself to do in my lifetime thus far, I only remember my faults, my mistakes, my guilt. And then I conclude that I’m erroneous by nature, that these things define my whole self concept. It’s like a Radiohead song I like, called Videotape:

“When I’m at the pearly gates,
This’ll be on my videotape, my videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
He’s reaching out to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in red, blue, green
In red, blue green

You are my center when I spin away
Out of control on videotape, on videotape, on videotape
On videotape, on videotape, on videotape”

I just feel that God must look at my life’s videotape and shake his big, white-haired head in disappointment. I’m not an outstandingly bad person. But I am bad. And I am not outstanding. And that’s why I feel that he would be disappointed. Mostly because I am disappointed in myself, and project that perhaps God is too.

But that’s not the Truth. It’s not the “sweet knowledge of salvation” as one of my outstanding friends has penned. I mean it’s true that I’m pretty helpless at times and do a lot of really embarrassing or wrong things. But it’s not true that that’s all I am. Joanne, come on. You have to fight to know that your hands ARE clean, that you ARE free, that you can’t keep trapping yourself with all these replays.

“You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.”

-Psalm 18:28-29

I get more helpless the older I get. I get more dependent. I don’t know why that is the case with me– it seems like everyone else is holding up okay. But me, I need someone strong, I need someone who will stay with me, because I’ve got all these replays and I can’t fight against them. Help me, Jesus.

Also, the older I get, the harder it is to reconcile my heart and my mind when it comes to Jesus and God the person compared to Christian doctrine. I was listening to the radio today, and this preacher caught my ear (he had a nice, loving voice). He was sharing a story of when he asked his seminary professor a question: What if I get to heaven and find that my mother isn’t there? Or my best friends? The professor responded: When you become in your most glorified state, you will rejoice in your mother and others being in hell because you will be rejoicing in God’s holiness.

He said something to this effect, and it made me have several reactions. First was, I really didn’t like the sound or idea of that. It made me feel dismissive, but I had to pause because this man actually studied at an accredited school for teaching about my dearest and beloved God the Father and Jesus and H.S. God in my heart is all forgiving, saving God, merciful God. Just God. But I don’t know if I could rejoice if everyone I loved was in hell while I was partying it up in heaven. Maybe I don’t deserve to go to heaven. Or maybe everyone will be in a glorified state and all be in heaven.. wouldn’t that be nice?

I don’t know. My dad tells me he hates those words when I say them, but I just don’t know what to make of it. God, help me sort through this stuff.

Until next time, readers.

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