The word just doesn’t do anything to me. I don’t have any sudden delusions where the world becomes rosy-colored and I’m light and racing at the same time. Neither does it stir any kind of emotional reaction from me, recently. I can’t pinpoint any real person or thing to connect this word to, although I know that I obviously love my family and friends very much.

I’m reading this book that I feel is very applicable to where I’m at in life: The Reason For God: Belief in the Age of Skepticism by Tim Keller. One passage made me suddenly choke up a little bit alone in my room, a part describing this guy named Jeffrey who had both parents with cancer, his mother succumbing to it. He took up the practice of Chinese healing arts because of the ailments he faced in his youth, when a friend began to talk to him about Jesus. He would go to church and like the sermons okay until the speaker would share about Jesus, in which he’d tune out. Then one day, during his times of meditation, he couldn’t stop picturing Jesus on the cross. He began to pray to the Christian God, and then realized that “his dominant life narrative had been the escape and total avoidance of suffering… When he understood that Jesus had surrendered his physical health and life to save the world– and him– it moved him deeply. He saw a way to get the courage to face the inevitable suffering of the future, and to know there would be a path through it. He embraced the gospel of Jesus Christ.”

There was another part describing the story of a very insecure girl who developed eating disorders because of her low self-esteem, and someone was able to help her draw the connection that God loves her, that she is precious to him and he loves her endlessly.

It’s moments like these where I suddenly find it hard to breathe and I think in my brain I WANT that. The thing is, I HAVE it. Everyone HAS that kind of love. But why can’t I seem to understand it? Why can’t I live it like it’s true? Why can’t everyone?

Another book, called The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis lays out a trip that people in Hell make to Heaven. The people from hell are half solid, whereas everything in Heaven is solid that it even hurts the travelers to walk on the grass. The people from hell have various conversations with those from Heaven, and they end up rejecting Heaven because they hold their own different baggage or bitterness when there is absolutely none at all in Heaven, only pure joy and happiness.

I admit, I’m more interested in reading the books that others write rather than the Bible itself. I think it’s mostly because I feel like I need another perspective– my own betrays me. I have this voice in my head every time I read a passage, every time I listen to a sermon, a sneaky voice that criticizes and cuts down on everyone and every thing. It’s like ingrained in my skull, takes over my own voice. I need a perspective from someone else, from God perhaps. Just not the one I have now. The one I have now is just so negative and bitter.

On another note, I rediscovered love. I was visiting Guitar Center yesterday, and I was kind of bored because I wasn’t working that day and found this beautiful Seagull guitar, small, with no electrical system. I sat down and I couldn’t stop playing it for about an hour. All self-consciousness of being in a public store and all insecurity of if I’m any good at music disappeared as I fell in love with the sound of that guitar, at the expression of music. I fell in love again, because music has come to this point in which it feels more like a burden, where I have to start performing places and getting better and becoming popular. I’ve replaced my original love for music with something not as rich, not as pure, angst and worry. Funny how a cheap, small $299 guitar can do that to me.

When I sit in my room to write songs, the best ones that come out are about foolish hopes. About foolishly hoping maybe one day I might be married to the one I’m meant for, hopes of doing great things in the world. That voice in my head has taken over in every aspect of my life, not just my Christian faith. It’s like it talks down on me and gives me no reason to hope or trust or to expect. I need to rid myself of this voice.

Anyone else feel me? Why does faith become more difficult when I’m learning so much more in the world around me? When will love strike a chord?