Lately I’ve been feeling a disconnect.

stars

I don’t know why, but whenever I think about the stars or whatever else there is out there in the universe, I feel a strange sense of peace. My thoughts are constantly running on me all the time, every day, and to just get out of my skin for a little while and to think about how vast the universe actually is and how small I actually am in comparison, comforts me a little. It helps me understand how my life is the merest, minute portion in the realm of existence, and I can breathe.

I’m not sure what it is I want in this life right now. I want to say love, people to deeply and geuinely connect with, but I already have those things and I’m always looking up for a little more. I feel a little like I’m bobbing around in space, enjoying the beauty so far, but wanting to reach a planet, meet with somebody who is on a similar search as myself.

You know what I think it is? A sense of importance. I have everything I could ever possibly have wanted, and yet I want more– I think I want to prove somehow that I’m an important human being, that I can make a difference as one person, like President Obama already has, or other great and life-altering people who’ve walked the earth.

And yet, when I die, I want to die in peace and satisfaction. I want to die without any regrets, having loved fully and given myself over for others. I want to know that I feel like it’s okay to go someday, that my longing for some kind of transcendence will find a resolve when I am united with God. How wonderful to be so young and so eager to use my hands and feet to do something, but how equally exquisite to thank God at the end of life and submit to my life’s stage exit with great hope.

I’ve got stardust in my eyes. I’m looking upward, and I see who I really am, and yet I will make the most out of the life I’ve been given. God, guide me in your direction, even as I feel I am free floating.

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