I came back from attending a college retreat yesterday, and I feel like my confusion, while unresolved, doesn’t seem to bother me/matter anymore. All this confusion of who I want to be, what I would like to accomplish, and my life goals has become clearer. Actually, more like I’m not so restless about it anymore, I don’t worry so much. Yesterday, for the first time, my mind was at such peace that I could finish cleaning my room in a few hours. I haven’t organized my room in a few months, and I blame this on the reasoning that when my mind and life are cluttered with confusion, I feel unmotivated to pick up my clothes off the floor or put things in their proper place. When I have mental clarity, cleaning is a no-brainer.

Let me expound further. It was a small miracle that I was even able to attend this retreat, lovingly named “Servants.” I found out the night before the retreat that I could get my work day off. When I raced home to try to register, I found out that registration to this retreat was closed. I made a few emails and went to sleep, hoping to God that I would be able to make it. For some reason, it felt like my sanity was banking on being able to attend this retreat, pray, and have an authentic experience from this God that I have been missing in my life.

Things set into motion, and I was merrily on my way, driving alone to the retreat center to help out with the praise team. To sum in a nutshell, I really felt God speaking to me during the worship times, and what I mean by speaking is that thoughts outside of my normal brain spectrum entered my head to explain WHY I’ve been feeling like God has been so silent to me, WHY I am in such a state of confusion in the first place and WHAT I should be doing to correct my current situation. A friend I really respect told me today that music has a way of slipping past your defenses– and I felt God slipped past my critical attitude towards Him to touch my heart once again.

I cried during the retreat– and I haven’t cried over something God revealed to me in a long time.

Anyway, so now that I’m back home, I’m in awe at how wonderful it feels to be at peace. My room is really clean and I can tolerate being in it, my mind feels like it took a Loratadine pill (Claritin), and I have this sudden passion to read the Bible and to know Truth and to fight lies and to help my small, struggling church and love everybody and pray for younger women with issues or insecurities. I feel healthy, I feel whole.

Why is it that I became so unhealthy in the first place? I think the answer is because I traded my center, my Truth, for something else. I felt like society or other people are leading more exciting lives, that there might be more worth in something other than the church or God, like following your dreams or your passions or becoming successful in the world. And then I began to intellectualize things– like, maybe God doesn’t really exist, or maybe we can bend some ideas, or maybe I should just live the way I want to and I don’t really need some God to be controlling my every action. Maybe I actually know best for myself.

I think that became the truth that I exchanged for my original Truth. And now that I can see clearly, I wonder why it is that I chose to trade it in the first place. Why others trade it. I think it’s something like the forbidden fruit– the wrong object doesn’t look so wrong. It’s appetizing, it’s appealing, it’s bountiful, and for some reason God permits it to exist. What tips us over the edge is a small, logical voice in our minds that rationalizes that it’s quite okay, and that we can decide for ourselves whether this fruit is really dangerous or not.

Sometimes I feel like people have a desire to be unhealthy. People want to do what’s bad for them. Smoking kills, but so many people do it. I have to admit, when I found out that Barack Obama used to smoke, his coolness factor instantaneously went up +10 points. Why do we desire what’s bad for us? I think that kind of logic is more detrimentally strange than something like believing God could love us and send His Son to save us.

Anyway, so now I feel like I’m healthy again. Or at least recovering, and my desire to be healthy is restored. I desire to know God’s Word, to live out God’s calling to glorify Him with my life. Why would I trade such a treasure for otherwise things that are so temporary and unsatisfying and just wrong? Are you with me?

The speaker at the retreat mentioned that when you are passionate about God, you can trust your other passions. He also said that your passion or dream in life should relieve some suffering in the world. The question now is, if I want to continue pursuing music and nursing, how can I do it in such a way that it relieves a bit of suffering in the world, that it can be glorifying to God? I don’t have the answer, but I have peace.