Oh my God. My first year of nursing has almost come to a close!

This year has been a year of skills. Developing skills. Foley-inserting, blood-transfusing, IV-starting skills! I am happy to report that I have survived a year of nursing, have even enjoyed most of the ride, and feel a sense of pride as my charge nurse, fellow workers, and even many doctors trust me with their patients. I’m no longer “the new kid, please protect her” kind of nurse, but am actually a competent, skilled human being! Huzzah! If you are severely, debilitatingly drunk one evening, come to me and I will be more than eager to start an IV and give you some normal saline so you don’t have a hangover.

Nursing has been great. But a little too overbearing in my life. I started out working 3 shifts a week, and it has progressively become 4-5 shifts per week, leaving me dead, lifeless, lacking sleep and energy. I actually had a nightmare recently that this GI doctor became upset with me because I didn’t do a proper bowel preparation for a colonoscopy. I woke up in cold sweats. Needless to say, I’ve been tucked away in the hospital a lot these days.

But no longer. Starting August, I’ll be focusing primarily on making and playing music. Nursing will be in the background as music takes some precedence in my life.

My music skills have greatly increased as well. I went from being the very shy, scared, nervous, fidgety open-mic regular to a some-what full-fledged rocker chic. I joined a pop rock band about 3-4 months ago, and we’ve been having a lot of performances lately. The frontman is actually an EXTREMELY talent musician and hilarious to boot. I feel like joining forces with him in this band has been like my own musical internship, where I’m learning the lingo, how to talk to people who drink lots of beer, and getting over yourself when you play in front of other people. It’s been an invaluable, priceless experience thus far. I would not be who I am today without him or this band.

So starting in August, I will be poor. People keep telling me (mostly older people, like my nursing peers) that I can work full time and do music as a hobby. But I know, deep in my heart, that if I don’t do something properly and with all of my heart, I’ll live the biggest regret of my life. 

I get antsy. Sometimes I sit and think about what I need to do to get my music out there, to write good, catchy songs that people would be willing to buy. Ideas of websites, how to get one, pressing t-shirts, and booking gigs come flooding my mind constantly. It’s like owning your own business– it’s my baby, and I can’t shut my mind off of it like I punch out my hours in nursing. I’m not sure where I end and music begins. It’s all very personal and yet business-like for me. A complex little relationship, this is.

I don’t need a lot in life. I’m a materialistic person, but honestly, I need meaning more than anything. I feel very strongly, that if I’m meant for this, things will work out as it should. If I’m hungry, somehow God will help me to find food. If I’m lonely, I think God will provide me with friendship. If I don’t have a steady source of income, I think God will provide.

I think it takes more faith, doing what you want. Because you don’t have anyone to fall back on and blame for your unhappiness or failures. Choosing to do something for yourself is very dangerous, but very exciting at the same time. I feel relaxed about it overall. Maybe I’m in over my head.

I explained to my friend Yesl today that I like to push the limits on myself lots of times. It makes me feel alive. Even pain– it gives me that small reminder that my flesh is living, that I’m experiencing something that is real.

Anyway, so please be nice to me. And I will keep you updated on whatever is going on! Thanks, faithful readers.

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